JOYS OF THE SEASON FOR DIVORCE LAWYERS

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"How dare he write on Christmas?"

"The presumption of it!"

"Indeed sir. What hath a lawyer to do with Christmas? For Christmas is a joyous festival of loving and giving, in a dark, cold time of year; when we forget ourselves in all kinds of silliness as we try to forget our troubles, a time of wild abandon learnt from our pagan ancestors, and at bottom hath no logick to it. Whereas your lawyer is a crabb'd and serious fellow, who hath studied his eyes out reading the Law and aspires to be old and blind before his time, and knows no more of wild abandon than a fence-post; a sober black-coated mole of a man, who's always teaching us to be ungenerous, and always writing mean-spirited documents that turn square corners and won't give a poor fellow an inch; who wouldn't give away one of his old scintillas without he gets a proper quid pro quo for't. He wouldn't know jollity if it bit him, and never, never can forget himself; and if a handsome wench should catch him 'neath the mistletoe would cavil and demur and plead in bar 'till he's made her sign a solemn oath that she won't sue him for sexual harassment." &c., &c.

WHAT INDEED?

Well, in family law we all know what lawyers have to do with Christmas. Besides the general fact that we have to do with families and families much to do with Christmas, there is ...

VISITATION

That time of year when husbands and wives who live separate and apart because they cannot stand each other have to let the little darlings see their poor old exiled p'pa or m'ma. The family lawyer, be he never so Jewish, Moslem, etc., must still needs learn all about Christmas. Why? Because there's always endless wrangling over the intricate details of each family's particular Christmas customs and their interaction with the intricacies of the seasonal calendar and visitation schedule. Then there is the usual litigation over refusals to return the children, etc.

SEASONAL ANXIETY: CONFORMING TO THE STEREOTYPE

But I was thinking of something else: the post-Christmas rush. Whenever lawyers talk about the business cycles and ask one another what is the slowest and busiest time of year, the family lawyer always seems to say the same thing. That is, that it is busy all the time (Who'd dare say otherwise?), but the flow of new clients seems always to pick up right after Christmas. Now there are many theories about this.

The prevailing one is of course that Christmas is such a stressful time, for it forces us to socialize with all the relatives we'd rather ignore, and be in close quarters, and discuss family things, and bring up old rivalries and resentments, etc., etc. You can read this in any newspaper advice column, and they probably have it in the kinds of magazines you see at checkout counters, and it's probably on T.V. too.

But this assumes too much, and gives Christmas a bum rap unnecessarily, and I have long though that it is something else. I think that these miserable couples and families who feel the marriage is breaking up grudgingly agree to give it one more Christmas before admitting the marriage's death and their individual failure. Or there may be little uncertainty about it: they may both know it's over and yet want to give the kids one more normal Christmas to remember -- with perchance one or even both of them vainly hoping against hope for a Christmas miracle. Most often it's a case where one knows it's definitely over and the other doesn't, so there is the additional strain and burden of mendacity here.

But whatever way it is, this puts poor old Christmas in a hell of a position. It is starting out with two strikes against it. It can't very well deliver jollity with the jollifiers all on tenterhooks. Now the modern pseudoscientific cant and drivel about Christmas being an especially mean and stressful time of year cannot help becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As with Reason Number 1 for the post-Christmas rush, or January rush, insofar as it's true, the poor spouses can't struggle with these make-or-break expectations without a crippling gloom and tension that of course communicates itself to the children. Some of them are good at acting the part convincingly for the spouse and children's benefit, but we modern folk are very uncomfortable with not being fully honest about our feelings. Suppressing or falsifying our more infantile emotions for the greater social good (i.e., what used to be called self-control) is considered a worse sin than throwing a selfish tantrum and saying hurtful things. Unlike earlier generations many of us have been taught that self-control is all wrong, so an ugly display of ugly feelings is now regarded as an accomplishment to be proud of, and socially approved.

CAN LAWYERS HELP?

Can we help clients during "this stressful time"? Usually not, because they are not our clients, yet, and they won't meet us till the January rush. But insofar as there are some whom you know outside the lawyer-client relationship, or some who have had the good sense to consult you before the final phase of marriage breakdown, I'd try to offer them this advice about getting through the dangers and difficulties of that joyous season of the year.

First, corny as it sounds, don't be afraid to be genuinely loving and generous -- and forgiving. Take what the holiday offers and enjoy it -- as much as you can, while you can. Get into the spirit, take Christmas on its own terms, and owe apologies to no one. Some of our clients are very taking persons and they should be able to take this.

Frankly talk of reconciliation, of renewing love and of putting your marriage on a firmer basis that has a larger measure of generosity and accommodation to it. Facing unpleasant facts and speaking of guilt and other serious things is surely part of this, but on the other hand endless sessions of "time to talk seriously about our relationship," during which nobody enjoys it, nothing really gets said and nobody gets any sleep, will probably only poison the atmosphere.

MAKING SPACE

Don't accept an absurdly unequal and marginalized position in the family. Do not accept some preposterous argument which you know in your heart is all wrong in the eyes of your children, your god, and society. Should you and your spouse use this time to seriously confront the issues and alternatives, do not accept, at this time of all times, a "trial separation." I have almost never seen a trial separation that did not mean a permanent one, and never seen one that did a marriage any good. It is usually just an evasive way for one spouse to dump the other without incurring immediate wrath. "I need space" is just as hypocritical a statement at this time of year as it always was. Does it really mean nothing more than "I'm bored with marriage and I do not like you anymore and I want to go out and have fun with lots of people like one sees in beer commercials," or "I like myself better than anyone else and that's who I'd like to live with"? Of course it does. Don't kid yourself.

But does "I need space: I'm suffocating" confer perhaps a different shade of meaning? Perhaps, at times. Perhaps especially at this time. You should remember that you can have a genuinely warm and loving closeness at Christmas without becoming savagely intrusive. People do tend to "suffocate" around large, crowding numbers of familiar but unfamiliar people -- i.e., in-laws and other extended-family relatives. People do need a certain amount of time alone and a certain amount of privacy respected, and there is nothing wrong with backing off a bit within the same four walls. There is nothing wrong with letting people have the time-honored alternative of taking a walk in the cold to get some fresh air. If relatives are visiting and the individual space within the family home is reduced even more, even the most genuine person might seek some privacy, and should not be criticized for it. When that urge to escape the pressure is misunderstood and commented upon, you sometimes need to stand between your spouse and the rest of your family in order to see a person's natural need for privacy and tranquillity respected.

PLAYING THE STEREOTYPE

Many people suffer at Christmas because they are responding to an intense pressure to behave as expected: to actualize the stereotype. One of the least-forgiven transgressions in our modern society is to behave as people did not expect you to, and pop psychology has created intense expectations of Yuletide discomfort, Christmas fights and tantrums. A person with any measure of strength and independence should resist the urge to blow up and insult people using the foolish excuse that he has to be honest about his feelings. You may think it's honest, but it's just as likely to be highly artificial. When you do this you are usually an actor playing a role, as much as you would be if you smiled and made the effort to be polite and cordial. You are doing what you have been taught the world expects of you from the talk shows, the soap operas, the sitcoms and the popular press, and you might as well have a puppet showing the requested emotions. Do not feel that you have to fulfill expectations to the point of self-parody.

These are a few of the things you might tell clients, potential clients, and people you care about, when the opportunity presents itself as the year draws to its close. Maybe they will get to you as clients anyway, do what you will -- but maybe at least it won't be because they didn't make it through another Yuletide season.